Here are the beautiful words of my twin sister who recently commenced IVF.  Sadly, no eggs were fertilised in the first round, but she is currently undergoing her second round.  Fingers and ovaries crossed.


For 32 years I planned for you

Built my house on three degrees, 2 careers, a small but cosy savings account and travel adventures I hoped would inspire you.

Leaches. Scuba diving. Stinky tofu.


For 27 years I searched for my partner

Someone to dote on you with abundant enthusiasm

I found someone and life was lovely.

When you find THE ONE they say you KNOW.


I hope you KNOW one day.


We planned for you.

In our dreams. At a fertility clinic.

We had the PERFECT donor.

My best friend’s brother and life was lovely.


And this is where the lovely stops.


Where life and all its chaos happens.

Where life is not fair and you make an earnest vow to appreciate it if it turns back in your favour

Where your mother can no longer put a band-aid on, kiss you and tell you it will be ok.

Because it’s a promise she has no power to keep


My partner ended it and I was sad.

Partly because I missed her.

Mostly because I lost the future we spoke of.


In my dreams I had painted your room

With Little My Ponies, soccer balls and all the colours of a lolly shop

With stars that shared stories and pointed to endless possibilities


I reveled in your giggles, your shrills and silence that sung,

Mummy, I love you

Mummy, I feel safe

Mummy, isn’t life just wonderful?

Yours was my favourite song


The first time you tripped I wanted to pad the ground with bouncing castles so you would never feel pain in this world

But I knew grazes would shape you

A gift that you could play hopscotch

Twirl yourself ‘til you fell dizzy

Avoid the hot potatoes on the burly streets of life


In my dreams you had a younger brother or sister.

and you would play so beautifully,

Then fight, kiss and make up


You were cheeky

You finished your cupcake, then asked your sibling for half of theirs

Your sibling gave you the big half

I allowed it because you said, ‘Please’


For 32 years I picked names

Elliott, Hugo, Luca, Benson

You must have been a boy because it was these names I always picked.


I caught your hazel eyes

As you caught golden butterflies and asked, Why?

Why do these fanciful creatures only live two weeks?


Because life is full of truths like these


And baby, education can wait. Careers can wait.

But babies baby, cannot.


Nanna Tonkin had it right

I should have sold bananas in Coles

What good is a career if you have no one to spend your toils on?


For 32 years I had not planned for this

How can I age 12 years with a blood test?

12 childbearing years

Then words from my donor

Two years after the deposit was made

My fiance does not approve, I’m sorry I cannot go

through with it


Time stopped that day

For five months the clock struck

No you did not ovulate


I peed on every stick on the market

No smiling faces or double lines

A lonely stroke that stabbed at my identity

Arms bruised like a junkie

I stopped counting the blood tests when I counted my unborn baby’s last toe

I stopped looking at my bank account

When there was nothing to see


I engaged in promiscuous activities

And all I got was a venereal disease

An ant of an irritant

Beside the hairy monster of despair


They say infertility is a roller coaster


My ride has been the giant drop

I once enjoyed adrenaline

But this is the kind

Where you cling to the seat

Cause the buckle is broken

And you don’t know how you will survive

If you can’t have a child


I hate my ovaries

Because they are failing

I love my ovaries

Because they are my hope of a biological child


I wait for my next cycle

to begin in vitro fertilization

Begin injecting follicle stimulating hormone

A dose two times the normal recommended

A dose that increases the risk of miscarriage and down syndrome

But if this is my chance of a child

It’s the chance I’ll take





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13 comments on “IVF

  1. Katy on said:

    Hey H. Your sister has a gift. Hopefully her other gift will be here soon. Katy x

  2. Alicia - One Mother Hen on said:

    I have everything crossed for your sister. I hope with every ounce of hope in me that you will be celebrating with your sister, a cousin for your boys xx

  3. Sydney Shop Girl on said:

    Wishing and praying for your sister with all my heart, H. Honest and raw writing.

    SSG xxx

  4. Cilla on said:

    I hope she is blessed soon.
    Awful to so badly want the thing you cannot have x

  5. Faux Fuchsia on said:

    I hope so much your sister has a child! I had given up all hope when I found at 9 weeks that I was pregnant with Oscar.

    Children are such a gift.


  6. thehowtomummy on said:

    Please encourage your sister to start thinking about fostering (a GOM 18) child – just in case.
    I have two biological children and two foster children and they are such a gift, the miracle of my foster children is so much greater though – for so many reasons.
    Beautiful poem. I wish her all the very best, and her education certainly wasn’t wasted with writing skills like that.

    • admin on said:

      Good for you! Have this in the back of my mind for when my boys are a little older.

      • thehowtomummy on said:

        My oldest son (17) told me the other day he is going to foster when he gets married, possibly the proudest moment I have had as a parent. Getting two little foster kiddies with two teenagers has been an absolute joy (most of the time), I wish more people would do it – there are so many kids in terrible situations in SA it breaks your heart.
        Seriously though, if you sister wants to speak to someone that has been through the system I would be happy to speak to her.

  7. SheriNJ on said:

    I feel for your sister. I remember wanting a child so badly I wouldn’t go on without one. My millions of prayers were answered when I found the right clinic with the right doctor. Hoping you’re sister’s outcome turns out like mine did! It’s 23 years and a daughter and son later.

  8. Heidi on said:

    That’s a very heartrending poem. I hope she has a child, she’s lucky she’s getting onto it younger, and fingers and toes crossed the setbacks will be just that.

  9. Rita @ The Crafty Expat on said:

    I have goose bumps from the top of my hair to the tip of my toes. Sending positive thoughts to your sister.

  10. Sonia Life Love Hiccups on said:

    So beautiful but completely heartbreaking. i hope your sister is blessed soon, with all my heart I truly hope xx

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